Monday, May 25, 2009

There's Giants In San Fran

[pictured above: panoramic shot of Embarcadero, the main waterfront street in San Francisco]

As my last week in the bay area begins, I feel like I’m trying to make the most of it. Like it’s some last ditch effort to hang out with everyone I want to hang out with and go do or see the things that I should have done while I was living here. But then I remember that I’m going to be coming back here only five days after I leave. Kendra and I have tickets to a concert to go watch one of our favorite bands, Mute Math. Even after that, we have camping trips planned throughout the summer and I plan on making it to the bay area at least every other weekend. Especially when we can find plane tickets for forty dollars from places like Allegiant Air.[pictured: Kendra & Jesse in front of AT&T Park, San Francisco]

Well, like I mentioned above, Kendra and I have been making the most of our time together here lately. Today we went AT&T Park and watched the Giants play the Atlanta Braves. As some of you may already know, I’m not a huge baseball fan. Honestly, I really couldn’t care less about it. But, I’ve come to the conclusion that whether it be a professional game or minor league, if I’m sitting in the bleachers with the right people I will definitely have fun.[pictured: panoramic shot from inside AT&T park]

Just so you know, baseball tickets are super cheap. Kendra and I got our tickets for only $10.00 off the the San Francisco Giants webpage. Which was a very good thing because Kendra insisted that she try feeding me some of the ballpark food that we’ve been hearing so much about. I got a hotdog out of pure ballpark tradition and Kendra got the most bomb ass amazing garlic fries. Aside from the food being the usual ridiculously high price that you might have come to expect at an event like this, everything tasted so damn good.[pictured: Jesse about to mow through a tasty dog]

One thing that I was really surprised about was the price of beer. I was honestly thinking that it might be around 5-6 dollars for a cup of beer. I was unpleasantly surprised when I saw a $8.75 price tag on a cup of beer. I’m sure at one of the other concession stands, that might have been dedicated to selling beer, there might have been a cheaper choice but still... $8.75 for a 12oz plastic cup of beer?!?!?! Yikes. I had to respectfully decline Kendra’s offer to buy me one even with the lofty price tag.

Nothing much more to update everyone with other than with the beautiful day it was for the game, my forehead got a little sun burnt. I suppose I could ask everyone about this photo I took while coming home from the game [below]. I couldn’t help but notice this woman, that seemed to be dressed like a mennonite or amish, holding a cellphone and capturing a picture of the streets in San Francisco. Is it only humorous to me or is there actually something a little quirky about this old fashioned woman with a cell phone?One more small update about everyone’s favorite San Franciscan, Super Twat. Kendra has been terribly worried that she would bump into her on her way to and from work and have some sort of “altercation”. Turns out that last week went on with out a hitch and when we were walking up our street back from the game, there stood Super Twat. Just chillin’ underneath a different building, with her rolling backpack.

Kendra and I muttered under breath as we noticed her, “Oh shit.” As if we should expect her to lash out and yell at us about the recent “Flash Flood” incident.

Fortunately for us, Super Twat is bat shit crazy and we think the only thing that she remembers about last week is to not stand on the corner of College Ave. and Alcatraz or she might get wet.

I hope everyone had a great Memorial Day weekend and enjoyed the sun. I’ll be seeing most of you pretty soon.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

It's Raining, But Only On You Ho!

Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent, but what is stated here is all true.

Here is a little story about a guy and we’ll call him Not Jesse. Not Jesse and his lovely girlfriend... Not Kendra... had been enjoying a stroll around the block to enjoy the wonderful spring air and beautiful green leaves in... Not Berkeley. Just as Not Jesse and Not Kendra were rounding the corner to the entrance of their apartment, there stood the old woman who says terrible things to passers by, loitering at the bus stop. We shall call her, Super Twat (ST).

I suppose I should preface this story by letting you know how much of a rectal wart this old woman is (aka, Super Twat). Since the day Not Jesse and Not Kendra saw her, Super Twat always asked for “a dollar to ride the bus”. However, Super Twat had never looked disheveled or unfastidious in anyway. Granted she did wear pretty much the same thing and always had Not Jesse’s least favorite object known to humankind... a rolling back pack, but she was never dirty or unkempt. Although, only an assumption, it was an educated guess that Super Twat was not homeless.

The problem with Super Twat was that every time Not Jesse and/or Not Kendra declined to make a charitable donation or ignored her plea for some sort of economic gain, Super Twat proceeded to insult the couple and threatened to call the cops. Most, if not all of her disrespectful jabs and aspersions where just that. Usually the two would look at each other in surprise because the last time they checked, coercing someone into giving you money was usually frowned upon.

Before I carry on with the original story, I should also let you know that while loitering at the bus stop, Super Twat diligently tried to board the bus whenever it made a stop only to be turned down. More than likely due to the fact that she had no money. Hence her poor habits in trying to solicit charity.

Shall we continue? Good then.

The moment Not Jesse and Not Kendra noticed Super Twat, they were a bit taken aback. It had just struck them that they have not had an encounter with Super Twat for some time due to her absents. Alas, it was as if the trio hadn’t skipped a day. Not Jesse and Not Kendra made their way to their apartment buildings door just when Super Twat turned and noticed them. Instantly launching a barrage of muttered insults and put downs.

“I’m not the one who is bi-polar, you are. Anorexic bitch. Everyone knows about you. Everyone talks about you. I’m going to call the cops.”

As if Not Jesse and Not Kendra were l verbally fighting back, Super Twat relentlessly mocked and taunted the couple who hadn’t said a word. Not Kendra made her way up the stairs to the apartment with Not Jesse right behind her. Once again, the two caught themselves looking at each other with surprise and bewilderment. A moment passed and they laughed and toyed with the idea of having a squirt gun at the ready so that if Super Twat decided to hang around the bus stop again, they could perhaps score a few shots to the back of Super Twats head out of their second story window.

[pictured, right: the NOT window, which was used]

Low and behold, just after they had finished their conversation, the couple had heard the city bus pull up. As usual, Super Twat tried to negotiate with the bus driver and was once again denied. Upon her denial to ride public transit, Super Twat must have saw it fit to call the large african-american bus driver the N-word, along with other racially slanderous terms.

At this point, Not Jesse wasn’t really paying attention but still entertaining the thought of keeping a water gun at the ready. Not Kendra, on the other hand, was enjoying the entertainment just outside the second story window. But when Super Twat dropped the N-bomb, Not Kendra quickly demanded Not Jesse to pay attention and watch the drama unfold.

From their perch, Not Jesse and Not Kendra watched the bus driver pulled the large vehicle over, opened the bi-folding doors and calmly began to approach Super Twat. With his hands resting on his bulky hips, in a collected voice, the bus driver spoke,

“Mam, if you call me a nigger again, I will call the Transit Police and the authorities will arrest you.”

All the while, through out the bus drivers clear message, Super Twat was in a serious uproar.

“Someone call the cops! This man is trying to hurt me! Quick, call the cops!...”

Finally, Not Jesse couldn’t take it anymore.

“This woman is crazier than a shit house rat.” he said out loud and rushed to the kitchen. There he grabbed the largest pot he could find and began filling it up with cold water. Not Kendra still adhered to the window, keeping one eye on Super Twat and the other on the bus driver.

Soon, Not Jesse had the pot nearly filled and hurried to the window. The bus driver had given his warning and saw no reason to continue the meaningless conversation with the clearly insane woman. He turned his back and reentered the large bus and began to pull off. Just as the bus was rolling away, Super Twat reached for her rolling back pack and was instantly met with 4 liters of cold water falling from the sky.

[pictured, above: the NOT sidewalk moments after the water hit Super Twat. Super Twat not pictured]

“Ha! Direct hit bitch.” Not Jesse snickered and caught a glimpse of Super Twat frozen in surprise right before he slammed the window shut.

Not Kendra was in a state of half laughter and half shock. Not Jesse couldn’t contain himself and was sitting on the couch laughing uncontrollably when Not Kendra heard Super Twat abandon any miniscule shred of sanity she had left. Most of what was heard was completely unintelligible verbal diarrhea but Not Kendra froze when she saw Super Twat flag down a passing by... Not Berkeley Police car. She warned Not Jesse and for a moment, they stood in silence and listened for the conversation that Super Twat was about to have with the Not Berkeley Police Officer.

The officer pulled his car over to the side of the road and began to exit his vehicle. Not Jesse and Not Kendra couldn’t help but notice, that the police officer was another black male.

“They threw water on me!” Super Twat screamed.
“What?” the officer asked. “Who threw water on you?”
“Them! The people up in that apartment!” More banshee like squeals shot from her mouth as she pointed up towards the second story.
“Do you know them?”
“No! But they’re up there right now and threw water on me!!!”

Not Jesse’s heart was in a bit of a race but was relieved to see that the mentally stable have no problem spotting the mentally unstable. The officer turned around and made his way back when Super Twat rifled off, “Stupid black man!”

The officer sat down in his patrol car and began driving away as if to completely ignore Super Twat’s cries for justice to be served. As soon as the Not Berkeley Police Officer was gone, Not Jesse and Not Kendra erupted into laughter and enjoyed the rest of the evening up in their second story loft apartment wondering if anyone else on the busy street below had witnessed what happened. The only regret that Not Jesse had was not having the incident recorded to share with all of his friends and family. To show them the amazing things that he gets to be a part of while living in the... Not The Bay Area.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Couch Surfing In Oregon

It’s my day off and I was really hoping for another hot and beautiful day outside. Apparently every weather man and woman in the east bay thought so too. It’s 3:38 pm and it’s supposed to be 81 degrees today in the east bay. Alas, it’s but only just broke the 60 degree mark and I figured that I should just chill at the apartment and write a blog instead of ride my bike or long board around Berkeley. Ugh.

Well it’s not all bad. With writing this, I can tell everyone the good... slash... not so good... slash... I’m really effing stoked... slash... kinda sad about... news. Now if that made any sense at all, I guess I shouldn’t be wasting your time anymore.

It has come to my attention that I am unable to find a decently paying job here in the bay area and heard that an old employer of mine needs some serious help back in Eugene. And since I am sick and tired of not being able to contribute to my relationship with Kendra monetarily, I’ve decided (after a few phone calls) to head back up north to make some money.

This might raise a few questions and I’m going to do my best as to answer them right now. One question that I got from one of the few that I have told this news to personally was, “Are you and your girlfriend okay?” My answer to this in all honesty, “Never better.” She is an amazing woman and I am so blessed to have her in my life. I made some sacrifices to move down here to be with her and it just isn’t really working out right now so I’ve made the choice to go where the money is. I’m used to working 40-60 hours a week between 2 to 3 jobs. It’s a bit of a financial shock when you go from 2 to 3 pay checks down to one tiny, minimum wage job with only 30 hours a week.

And, I thought this whole “Sugar Momma” thing was gonna be easy. Damn it.

Another question that was asked was, “Where the heck are you going to stay?” I’ll be hijacking Ken’s couch... well, one of his couches. Word on the street is that there is a enough couches in this house to facilitate a mexican family. Also, for those of you that don’t know Ken very well, he is one of my old house mates and good friend.
Shown here is the only picture that I have of my dear Kenneth that is neither

A) Not incriminating
B) Not nude, and
C) Does not question either of our sexual orientation.

Now whether or not B or C have anything to do with each other and the fact that he is planting a wet on me... well, let’s just say that living together with the same guy for nearly 3 years in a small house brings out the best in friends.

*ahem* Back to the questions. “Hey Jesse, when do you actually plan on being back?” To put it simply, I just put my two weeks notice in on Friday the 15th. So my last day will be the 29th and I’ll be there more than likely in the evening of the following Sunday the 31st.

Like I said before, I’m in a state of feeling happy/sad and excited/bummed. I feel like this is a good thing and quite honestly, the only option I have right now due to the lack of jobs around here. It’s definitely hard having these contrasting feelings about something in your life. I seriously recommend that you avoid feeling like this at all costs.

However, I am confident that this is going to work out and I thank all of those that have offered up your extra beds, couches, and back yards to pitch a tent in. It’ll be good to be near the family but you can bet money that I’ll be back to visit my girl as often as I can.

I’ll do my best to bring back some of the Californian sunshine with me. Now if I could get an answer from you guys that’d be great. How the hell did Zach’s mom find out about this before I even told my own parents? I only told Ken and Kolby and planned on telling others soon after, but somehow, Kellie Chambers got ahold of the news. Not that I mind but I swear that woman has got some kind of mental telepathy and mind raped me before I even knew what hit me.

I plan on keeping up on this blog, but I think it’ll be mostly for my bay area friends now. Or at least, until I’m back.

Don't forget to click on my meaningless ads on the right. I'm almost a ten dollaraire thanks to Google.

Monday, May 11, 2009

The First 27 Days Of Being 27

Looking back, it seems that the last entry was on my birthday. Nearly a whole month has gone by without updating this little window into my life. My sincere apologies to all of you back home who tell me every time I see you that you check it almost every day. I suppose I could touch on a few things to update you on how the birthday weekend went.

For those of you that don’t know, I have the best friends and the most amazing girlfriend. The plan was for Kendra and me to make a trip to Mt. Diablo for some camping and rock climbing but unbeknownst to me, she had been planning a trip back up north with all of my friends and family. It just dawned on me that this is probably rather redundant for most of you due to the fact that I was the only person that didn’t know about it. So a huge thank you to all my friends and family that know how to keep secrets for all the right reasons and I had a ton of fun.

As you may all know, with birthdays come birthday presents and first of all thank you to Ian and all that pitched in and got me the sickest long board known to all mankind. It’s a Never Summer and it’s fast as hell. My parents supplied me with a new cooler for camping because I can’t seem to keep track of one or somehow it is melted by a huge bonfire, so thanks mom and dad.

Also, a huge thank you to Zachary for building me a new bike. I haven’t picked a name for her yet but but the names “Vivian” and “Esther” keep floating in my head. She is a vintage Trek frame, so I figured I should pick a vintage name. Another thank you to the rest of Zach’s family for having a sweet ass BBQ at their house. I had a blast and most definitely ate too much food.Other than a BBQ, we went and visited all our favorite bars and danced until we could dance no more... or at least until some of us were unable to stand up without assistance.

After Kendra and I got back to Berkeley, the weather decided to make our apartment so hot that we used that wonderful cooler my parents got me as a little indoor kiddie pool while we watched movies.

I’ve been working more here but the more I work at an “upscale” coffee shop the more I become bitter and annoyed with the sense of entitlement that these yuppy pricks think they have. But then I remember that I have friends who shave lines in the side of their head and rock that shit like Vanilla Ice just gave them a high five. Hell YEAH!

I’m sure I forgot something in this much needed update so you can more than likely expect an edit or two to this post or maybe a part two. Also, here are a few photos of the "pre-funk party" while we were up north for my birthday.
Zach, Jesse, and Ian. We're pretty funny actually.

Jane & Kendra. The lovely ladies that can tolerate Ian and me.

Ian & Kendra. Siblings... in case you didn't know.

Jane, Jesse, Zach, Ian, Bryan, & Tiffany. At least Ian looks cool... PSYCHE!

Zach, Jesse, Kendra, Jane, & Ian. Zach left the wifey and kids at home.

And since you are reading down this far, do me a favor and click on a few of the little ads on the right of this post. Try and make Google make me a ten dollaraire.