It's Raining, But Only On You Ho!

DISCLAIMER:
Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent, but what is stated here is all true.

Here is a little story about a guy and we’ll call him Not Jesse. Not Jesse and his lovely girlfriend... Not Kendra... had been enjoying a stroll around the block to enjoy the wonderful spring air and beautiful green leaves in... Not Berkeley. Just as Not Jesse and Not Kendra were rounding the corner to the entrance of their apartment, there stood the old woman who says terrible things to passers by, loitering at the bus stop. We shall call her, Super Twat (ST).

I suppose I should preface this story by letting you know how much of a rectal wart this old woman is (aka, Super Twat). Since the day Not Jesse and Not Kendra saw her, Super Twat always asked for “a dollar to ride the bus”. However, Super Twat had never looked disheveled or unfastidious in anyway. Granted she did wear pretty much the same thing and always had Not Jesse’s least favorite object known to humankind... a rolling back pack, but she was never dirty or unkempt. Although, only an assumption, it was an educated guess that Super Twat was not homeless.

The problem with Super Twat was that every time Not Jesse and/or Not Kendra declined to make a charitable donation or ignored her plea for some sort of economic gain, Super Twat proceeded to insult the couple and threatened to call the cops. Most, if not all of her disrespectful jabs and aspersions where just that. Usually the two would look at each other in surprise because the last time they checked, coercing someone into giving you money was usually frowned upon.

Before I carry on with the original story, I should also let you know that while loitering at the bus stop, Super Twat diligently tried to board the bus whenever it made a stop only to be turned down. More than likely due to the fact that she had no money. Hence her poor habits in trying to solicit charity.

Shall we continue? Good then.

The moment Not Jesse and Not Kendra noticed Super Twat, they were a bit taken aback. It had just struck them that they have not had an encounter with Super Twat for some time due to her absents. Alas, it was as if the trio hadn’t skipped a day. Not Jesse and Not Kendra made their way to their apartment buildings door just when Super Twat turned and noticed them. Instantly launching a barrage of muttered insults and put downs.

“I’m not the one who is bi-polar, you are. Anorexic bitch. Everyone knows about you. Everyone talks about you. I’m going to call the cops.”

As if Not Jesse and Not Kendra were l verbally fighting back, Super Twat relentlessly mocked and taunted the couple who hadn’t said a word. Not Kendra made her way up the stairs to the apartment with Not Jesse right behind her. Once again, the two caught themselves looking at each other with surprise and bewilderment. A moment passed and they laughed and toyed with the idea of having a squirt gun at the ready so that if Super Twat decided to hang around the bus stop again, they could perhaps score a few shots to the back of Super Twats head out of their second story window.

[pictured, right: the NOT window, which was used]

Low and behold, just after they had finished their conversation, the couple had heard the city bus pull up. As usual, Super Twat tried to negotiate with the bus driver and was once again denied. Upon her denial to ride public transit, Super Twat must have saw it fit to call the large african-american bus driver the N-word, along with other racially slanderous terms.

At this point, Not Jesse wasn’t really paying attention but still entertaining the thought of keeping a water gun at the ready. Not Kendra, on the other hand, was enjoying the entertainment just outside the second story window. But when Super Twat dropped the N-bomb, Not Kendra quickly demanded Not Jesse to pay attention and watch the drama unfold.

From their perch, Not Jesse and Not Kendra watched the bus driver pulled the large vehicle over, opened the bi-folding doors and calmly began to approach Super Twat. With his hands resting on his bulky hips, in a collected voice, the bus driver spoke,

“Mam, if you call me a nigger again, I will call the Transit Police and the authorities will arrest you.”

All the while, through out the bus drivers clear message, Super Twat was in a serious uproar.

“Someone call the cops! This man is trying to hurt me! Quick, call the cops!...”

Finally, Not Jesse couldn’t take it anymore.

“This woman is crazier than a shit house rat.” he said out loud and rushed to the kitchen. There he grabbed the largest pot he could find and began filling it up with cold water. Not Kendra still adhered to the window, keeping one eye on Super Twat and the other on the bus driver.

Soon, Not Jesse had the pot nearly filled and hurried to the window. The bus driver had given his warning and saw no reason to continue the meaningless conversation with the clearly insane woman. He turned his back and reentered the large bus and began to pull off. Just as the bus was rolling away, Super Twat reached for her rolling back pack and was instantly met with 4 liters of cold water falling from the sky.


[pictured, above: the NOT sidewalk moments after the water hit Super Twat. Super Twat not pictured]

“Ha! Direct hit bitch.” Not Jesse snickered and caught a glimpse of Super Twat frozen in surprise right before he slammed the window shut.

Not Kendra was in a state of half laughter and half shock. Not Jesse couldn’t contain himself and was sitting on the couch laughing uncontrollably when Not Kendra heard Super Twat abandon any miniscule shred of sanity she had left. Most of what was heard was completely unintelligible verbal diarrhea but Not Kendra froze when she saw Super Twat flag down a passing by... Not Berkeley Police car. She warned Not Jesse and for a moment, they stood in silence and listened for the conversation that Super Twat was about to have with the Not Berkeley Police Officer.

The officer pulled his car over to the side of the road and began to exit his vehicle. Not Jesse and Not Kendra couldn’t help but notice, that the police officer was another black male.

“They threw water on me!” Super Twat screamed.
“What?” the officer asked. “Who threw water on you?”
“Them! The people up in that apartment!” More banshee like squeals shot from her mouth as she pointed up towards the second story.
“Do you know them?”
“No! But they’re up there right now and threw water on me!!!”

Not Jesse’s heart was in a bit of a race but was relieved to see that the mentally stable have no problem spotting the mentally unstable. The officer turned around and made his way back when Super Twat rifled off, “Stupid black man!”

The officer sat down in his patrol car and began driving away as if to completely ignore Super Twat’s cries for justice to be served. As soon as the Not Berkeley Police Officer was gone, Not Jesse and Not Kendra erupted into laughter and enjoyed the rest of the evening up in their second story loft apartment wondering if anyone else on the busy street below had witnessed what happened. The only regret that Not Jesse had was not having the incident recorded to share with all of his friends and family. To show them the amazing things that he gets to be a part of while living in the... Not The Bay Area.

Couch Surfing In Oregon

It’s my day off and I was really hoping for another hot and beautiful day outside. Apparently every weather man and woman in the east bay thought so too. It’s 3:38 pm and it’s supposed to be 81 degrees today in the east bay. Alas, it’s but only just broke the 60 degree mark and I figured that I should just chill at the apartment and write a blog instead of ride my bike or long board around Berkeley. Ugh.

Well it’s not all bad. With writing this, I can tell everyone the good... slash... not so good... slash... I’m really effing stoked... slash... kinda sad about... news. Now if that made any sense at all, I guess I shouldn’t be wasting your time anymore.

It has come to my attention that I am unable to find a decently paying job here in the bay area and heard that an old employer of mine needs some serious help back in Eugene. And since I am sick and tired of not being able to contribute to my relationship with Kendra monetarily, I’ve decided (after a few phone calls) to head back up north to make some money.

This might raise a few questions and I’m going to do my best as to answer them right now. One question that I got from one of the few that I have told this news to personally was, “Are you and your girlfriend okay?” My answer to this in all honesty, “Never better.” She is an amazing woman and I am so blessed to have her in my life. I made some sacrifices to move down here to be with her and it just isn’t really working out right now so I’ve made the choice to go where the money is. I’m used to working 40-60 hours a week between 2 to 3 jobs. It’s a bit of a financial shock when you go from 2 to 3 pay checks down to one tiny, minimum wage job with only 30 hours a week.

And, I thought this whole “Sugar Momma” thing was gonna be easy. Damn it.

Another question that was asked was, “Where the heck are you going to stay?” I’ll be hijacking Ken’s couch... well, one of his couches. Word on the street is that there is a enough couches in this house to facilitate a mexican family. Also, for those of you that don’t know Ken very well, he is one of my old house mates and good friend.
Shown here is the only picture that I have of my dear Kenneth that is neither

A) Not incriminating
B) Not nude, and
C) Does not question either of our sexual orientation.

Now whether or not B or C have anything to do with each other and the fact that he is planting a wet on me... well, let’s just say that living together with the same guy for nearly 3 years in a small house brings out the best in friends.

*ahem* Back to the questions. “Hey Jesse, when do you actually plan on being back?” To put it simply, I just put my two weeks notice in on Friday the 15th. So my last day will be the 29th and I’ll be there more than likely in the evening of the following Sunday the 31st.

Like I said before, I’m in a state of feeling happy/sad and excited/bummed. I feel like this is a good thing and quite honestly, the only option I have right now due to the lack of jobs around here. It’s definitely hard having these contrasting feelings about something in your life. I seriously recommend that you avoid feeling like this at all costs.

However, I am confident that this is going to work out and I thank all of those that have offered up your extra beds, couches, and back yards to pitch a tent in. It’ll be good to be near the family but you can bet money that I’ll be back to visit my girl as often as I can.

I’ll do my best to bring back some of the Californian sunshine with me. Now if I could get an answer from you guys that’d be great. How the hell did Zach’s mom find out about this before I even told my own parents? I only told Ken and Kolby and planned on telling others soon after, but somehow, Kellie Chambers got ahold of the news. Not that I mind but I swear that woman has got some kind of mental telepathy and mind raped me before I even knew what hit me.

I plan on keeping up on this blog, but I think it’ll be mostly for my bay area friends now. Or at least, until I’m back.

P.S.
Don't forget to click on my meaningless ads on the right. I'm almost a ten dollaraire thanks to Google.

I Think He's A Blues Man?

I understand that this is coming to everyone rather belated but in my defense I have been waiting on my updated version of Final Cut Pro. So without further ado I present to you the latest installment of Logically Sound.

I hope you enjoyed that much as I have. That fine gentleman definitely brightened up my night. Especially when he broke out in the blues.

Lately, the weather has been tolerable and I’ve been making an effort to get outside and check out some local rock climbing spots. Nothing extraordinary around here so far but the area is teeming with bouldering problems only a bike ride or short car ride away. And with views like the one below... I’m not going to complain.


[Pictured above, panoramic view from on top of Indian Rock, North Berkeley]

Pay Attention, This Is Gonna Be Quick

I feel as if I have been worn down. My patience has been tried in a few different ways. I have had to make the decision to not follow through with one of the main reasons I moved down to the bay area.

Making the decision to not go to school wasn’t really all that hard. Not hard at all in the fact that when you’re as “young” as I am (so say the loan companies based on my credit history) you almost get laughed at when you ask someone for $30,000.00 for school on a private loan.... twice. I think in the long run, if I keep making short films and start saving my money, when I have a chance to I can get the proper equipment and do the kind of things that I want to. All in all, I believe it’ll be much cheaper and more rewarding path. Plus, I keep meeting people that are into film and have some sort of skill in the craft. Which is good because I hear it’s all about connections and I’m thinking of investing in a little black book

I am going to attempt to update you on the happenings of my life in the bay area, so bare with me if I kind of jump around:

• The weather has been, shall we say, Oregon-ie. One minute it’s raining and the streets are flooded the next it’s a blue bird day and there isn’t a cloud in the sky. 
  

• Last weekend, my dear friend Michelle flew into Oakland International Airport and we rocked San Francisco and Berkeley like it was... 2009? We had loads of fun and Kendra and I tried our hardest to show her everything we could but honestly this city is freaking huge and we haven’t explored the whole thing ourselves. Not a very flattering picture of any of us but we were more into having fun than looking pretty.
  

• I still haven’t heard back from the people that interviewed me from On24. I’d be extremely happy if I got an email asking for another interview but I’d settle for an email or a call letting me know that they have decided to go with someone else. Just so I can at least have a little closure.
  

• Another thing about jobs, I recently met the the “On-Premise Manager” for the east bay area of Red Bull. A really nice guy, and I told him that I was looking for another job. I’m going to leave it there as to not jinx anything. Let’s just say that I’ve secretly wanted to work for Red Bull for ages and I’m willing to do almost anything. Childish... nah, just motivated.
  

• My taxes are done and e-filed. Needless to say, I’m pretty happy about that. Which, if you ever have done taxes and are happy at the end of them, that means that you are getting some sort of return or at least don’t have to pay.
  

• I’m currently in a contest trying to win some technological gadgetry and if you care to check it out by all means be my guest. The more votes, the merrier. I am currently in first place but there is still tons of time for other contestants to gain more votes, so if you are so inclined, vote daily. Here’s a direct link to the voting right HERE. 
  

There is more going on here but I currently have the attention span of a five year old. One more thing though, Kendra and I are trying to prep the apartment for more guests. Spring break is going to be... cozy to say the least. We love having visitors, so if you think you are going to be in our neck of the woods, by all means just let us know. 

Oh yeah, and if you are on Twitter, follow me. You can do so by clicking the "Follow me on Twitter" link to the right of this page.

Dirty Martinis = Hair Tonic

What a week. My apologies for not having an update for everyone right away. With having guests this weekend, working, an interview on Monday, and our shower not working, I was a little busy.

This weekend, one of Kendra’s long time friends came into town on his way to Hawaii from the Washington D.C. Keelan and his friend Andrew were so much fun to hang out with. I unfortunately had to work all day Saturday and missed their trip into the city where they saw some crazy dancers down by the cable car stop near the bay. Don't worry, she was mindful enough to bring the Flip Cam and got some really great shots of the dancers going to town.

As soon as I was off of work I raced home and met them at Zachary’s Chicago Style Pizza. I think I have mentioned this restaurant before but it’s really worth a second noting. We ordered a couple of their thin crust pizzas and we were all very pleased. The only problem with this joint is that you seriously have to have some patience. On average, it takes nearly an hour to get seated let alone the extra time you need to order and have your pizza cooked. Needless to say, we had plenty of good conversation and with that many people crammed into a small building drinking beer, there is always something going on around you.

Later I called my friend Roger over and we proceeded to enjoy some adult beverages and more fantastic conversation. Kendra had mentioned before that she hadn't ever had a dirty martini before and really wanted one. Keelan being the jack of all trades he is, whipped her up one and she found out shortly after her first few sips that just because it comes in a martini glass doesn’t mean it can’t grow hair on your chest.

After sending Keelan and Andrew off early Sunday morning we had the whole day to ourselves and decided to do some research of our own about local climbing areas. When I first moved down here, Kendra and I made the mistake of asking the manager of the local Marmot store if there were any good climbing spots near by. He proceeded to ask where we were from and after I told him Oregon, he then replied, “Oh, Oregon... We’ll nothing around here that you would like.”

I wasn’t really sure how to take that but I’m assuming that he meant in a way to show praise for all the amazing climbing spots in Oregon and there isn’t much in comparison here in the bay area. At least, that's what I'm going to pretend that he meant. With that rather discouraging comment we decided to finally do our own research and we found that there are at least 7 spots to do outdoor climbing all with in 15 mile radius of our apartment and some only one mile away. By far, the coolest one we found was Indian Rock up in the north eastern part of Berkeley. It’s up in the suburban hills and at the top of nearly every climbing route there is an outstanding view of the whole bay area.

When we got back to the apartment we were reminded that we had a small “get together” planned with all of our new neighbors. I was actually a little nervous that it was going to be really boring and we would have nothing in common. When we walked in to apartment #3 I realized, given how small these units are, that you can have a party of about 5 or 6 and it’s going to be a hoppin party. We actually had fun and realized that the only thing we had in common with our neighbors was that we lived in the same building. You might think that would be a boring and arduous set of conversations but with all the history that this building has and how outside each of our windows something crazy is always happening, there was plenty to talk about.

When Monday rolled around, I started to get a little uneasy and nervous for my interview. Then I realized how absolutely outstanding I am at selling myself to anyone or anything. The place I interviewed for is called On24 and they are a webcasting and virtual event solutions company. Basically if you think of all the money it would take for a company that’s putting out a new product to throw a huge convention with thousands of attendees to put on demonstrations of it’s products and or services, On24 provides an alternative where you can have all your potential buyers visit a webcast, webinar, or a virtual show of your product. (examples of virtual shows pictured above and below) Pretty cool idea, especially in a time of economic crisis, companies are looking for so many ways to save money and having virtual trade shows is one way that can save you hundreds of thousands of dollars depending on how big your turn out would be.

The position that I interviewed for is basically a back end/behind the scenes job. Making sure that the webcast or virtual show is going as planned. It would only be a part time job but it pays really well and will be worth it if I get the position.

At the end of my interview, my interviewer said, flat out, that he liked me and how “forthcoming” I was. It was a real confidence boost to hear that, so naturally I had a fantastic rest of the day. Things are looking good, I hope to hear back from him very soon.

As for the loan money for school... well let’s just say that’s up in the air and we’re still working on it. If I haven’t said it before I would like to say it now, a big thank you to Ann and Tammy for helping me on all this confusing and crazy loan business. You ladies rock for sure.

I’ll keep everyone posted a little more regularly on what’s going on... hopefully. For now, I’m going to go see the musical Wicked with my friend Roger. I’ve heard it’s amazing and Roger has seen it twelve hundred times already and still wants to go more. That’s gotta say something in itself.

Images courtesy of On24

Bike Rides, Vodka & The Ivy Room

I wanted to let a few of my boys know that I'm in good hands down here. I have recently found out that the little produce and specialty market less than a block from my front door has a wide range of Guayaki Yerba Mate. Cody and Ian can rest easy now, knowing that I won’t have to rely on them to partake of this delicious beverage.

Saturday was an amazing day. It definitely started off right too. I woke up around 7AM to get ready for a short shift at work and my lovely girlfriend, Kendra made me an outstanding omelete.

After work I hurried home cause Kendra and I wanted enjoy the outstanding weather on our bikes. We ended up riding all the way through the Berkeley campus and realized how much it was not like the University of Oregon. In fact, I’m sure it is double the size of the U of O at the very least. Lot’s of up hill streets on the way to the campus, and I’m not sure I’ve ever heard more whining from one person, but Kendra made it just fine. (insert winky-face icon here)

We weren’t terribly sure what we were going to be doing for our evening but my co-worker, Roger suggested we come to his place and have a few drinks. While at Roger’s apartment, I came to the realization that I am seriously allergic to cats. I’m already not a fan of cats, with the exception of a few select felines, but I seriously had snot running out of my nose constantly and my eyes felt like someone poured jalapeno garlic sauce in them. Honestly, not a pretty sight, but we still had fun. I knew later on we were going to head out somewhere, so I took it easy on the drinking, but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t entertained. Kendra was definitely the life of our pre-bar party. She kept telling story after story, keeping Roger and I very amused with how animated she was. Amazing what a couple healthy shots of vodka will do to a girl with an empty stomach. (eww, that sounded like the beginning of a date rape story... sorry, but you guys know what I mean.)

Roger suggested we alleviate my waterfall of mucus and head to a bar up the street called The Ivy Room. At the door I had to use my pass port for an ID and proof that I was at least 21 years of age which reminded me of how ticked I was that my drivers license was gone. Anyway, the bar was awesome, big plush leather couches, lots of baroque-esk wall hangings and lighting fixtures. Also, there was a live DJ set up on top of a cool old dresser.

After a while of Kendra spilling almost every drop of her drink and mine and Roger’s sides hurting from laughing so hard, we made the group decision that we needed some Taco Bell. Lucky for us, the nearest Taco Bell was 2 blocks north and apparently able to withstand a missile strike. The drive through was equipped with a one and half inch bomb proof plexi-glass food delivery mechanism pictured here just below. Regardless, our $20 order of delicious mexican cuisine was delivered to us without error. And if you know anything about Taco Bell, you’ll know that $20 worth of Taco Bell is a feast of epic proportions.

Needless to say, we had a glorious night and can’t wait to have friends and family to come visit us so we can share these great bars and restaurants with them.

The last thing I must inform everyone about is another quick story about my wayward identification as mentioned in the previous post. Today we met up with one of Kendra’s college friends, Melissa, who also lives in the bay area. We decided to check out Ici, a local ice cream shop that, from the moment it opens to the moment it closes, always has a line of people out the door no less than 20 deep. After we finally got our delectable frozen dairy products, we started our journey back to our apartment. Just about 30 yards from our front door, I caught something out of the corner of my eye sitting in a little tree on the sidewalk. I instantly snatched it out of the tree, realizing it was my drivers license. So it seems, that there are good people in the world and that somewhere out there is a very unlucky underaged Pete Wentz look alike that won’t ever have my ID.

Hope everyone had an awesome Super Bowl Sunday and enjoyed all the commercials. Sorry for the mindless plug here, but if you are interested in a first generation iPhone, I'm selling one on eBay right now. Click HERE to see the auction.

Wayward Identity

It seems, as of late, I have been misplacing my personal items. Most recently, my drivers license. In the process of photo copying and faxing my identification, it has seems to have vanished. Best part about this situation is that I actually never had a chance to photo copy or fax it to the people who need it. I’m sure it’ll turn up. Or at least I hope so, because I’m almost certain that I do not qualify for residency in California yet, to get an ID.

Perhaps, for some strange karmic reason, someone will send it back to Oregon, to the address that’s on the license and my boys there will let me know... or keep it and sell it for $50 bucks to some underaged, Pete Wentz look alike.

Lately, the weather here has been outstanding, mid 60’s to mid 70’s. I really don’t have any complaints other than for some reason, my body thinks, “Hey, it’s nice outside. Perhaps now is a good time for me to make Jesse sneeze all the time and make him want to scratch his eyes out.” Right now, my body is in a full fledged allergy season mode. Which I find very strange, seeing as how there isn’t a single leaf on any of the trees and not one god damned flower in bloom.

Yesterday I didn’t have to work until 4:30 PM so I decided to go check out the local indoor climbing gym. Berkeley Iron Works is an outstanding facility and if i was a million billionaire, I would probably have a membership there. Maybe I haven’t completely adjusted to the fact that everything here in California costs more than it should. Regardless, I went climbing by myself and had so much fun. Unfortunately, my forearms and hands are so sore today, that I was having a hard time lifting my RedBull without trembling.

Last and certainly not least, I miss my family. I could use a hug from my dad, some encouraging words from my mom, a healthy pat on the bum from my brother, and a solid eye roll from my little sister.Photo taken by Kolby Schnelli Photography. (Check out Kolby's Flickr Photo Stream HERE)

So... I made a list.

Things To Do On My Days Off (that don’t cost money):

• - Go on a bike ride on the many bike trails around Berkeley
  
• - Write another blog
  
• - Explore the surrounding neighborhoods
  
• - Clean the apartment
  
• - Go harass the two strung out bums that seem to think that they need to sing and yell at the top of their crusty old lungs (possible videos to come)
  
• - Give Thug Passion a bath
  
• - Kendra says volunteer (fuck that)
  
• - Play through the Halo Trilogy on my X-Box (laaaaaaaaaame)
  
• - Drive to the ONLY Gold’s Gym in the East Bay to work out
  
• - Try Yoga at the yoga shop up the road on Tuesdays (did my wiener just fall off)
  
• - Walk up to the Berkeley campus, which is completely up hill and ride the longboard all the way back home and pray to God that - I hit all the green lights all the way down College Avenue
  

I can't express how happy I am (in words) that I have a job now. Perhaps, I've had a lapse in creativity, but I've resorted to having to make a list for my days off so I don't just sit around on my ass.

Been very busy with work lately, seems that I'm sort of the new guinea pig, for the way that they are training people now. Problem is, that it gets so damn busy there that when we start to do a little "peer training" session, we have to pause and take care of the customers. More often than not, we never actually get to do the training so I've kind of gotten to do a little here and there but basically just skip the actual training and I get a super summarized version of the training. Oh well... I guess. 

I wanted to apologize to each and everyone of you because I totally forgot to include a picture of our tiny tiny tiny bathroom in the post with all the pics of our new place. Deep down in my heart, I know how each and everyone of you were wondering what it looked like. So here it is.

I would have included the shower and the toilet in the picture but I was standing on top of them to take the photo. So just take that into account if you come to visit us and have to clean up or throw down the number two.