Wednesday, May 20, 2009

It's Raining, But Only On You Ho!

Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent, but what is stated here is all true.

Here is a little story about a guy and we’ll call him Not Jesse. Not Jesse and his lovely girlfriend... Not Kendra... had been enjoying a stroll around the block to enjoy the wonderful spring air and beautiful green leaves in... Not Berkeley. Just as Not Jesse and Not Kendra were rounding the corner to the entrance of their apartment, there stood the old woman who says terrible things to passers by, loitering at the bus stop. We shall call her, Super Twat (ST).

I suppose I should preface this story by letting you know how much of a rectal wart this old woman is (aka, Super Twat). Since the day Not Jesse and Not Kendra saw her, Super Twat always asked for “a dollar to ride the bus”. However, Super Twat had never looked disheveled or unfastidious in anyway. Granted she did wear pretty much the same thing and always had Not Jesse’s least favorite object known to humankind... a rolling back pack, but she was never dirty or unkempt. Although, only an assumption, it was an educated guess that Super Twat was not homeless.

The problem with Super Twat was that every time Not Jesse and/or Not Kendra declined to make a charitable donation or ignored her plea for some sort of economic gain, Super Twat proceeded to insult the couple and threatened to call the cops. Most, if not all of her disrespectful jabs and aspersions where just that. Usually the two would look at each other in surprise because the last time they checked, coercing someone into giving you money was usually frowned upon.

Before I carry on with the original story, I should also let you know that while loitering at the bus stop, Super Twat diligently tried to board the bus whenever it made a stop only to be turned down. More than likely due to the fact that she had no money. Hence her poor habits in trying to solicit charity.

Shall we continue? Good then.

The moment Not Jesse and Not Kendra noticed Super Twat, they were a bit taken aback. It had just struck them that they have not had an encounter with Super Twat for some time due to her absents. Alas, it was as if the trio hadn’t skipped a day. Not Jesse and Not Kendra made their way to their apartment buildings door just when Super Twat turned and noticed them. Instantly launching a barrage of muttered insults and put downs.

“I’m not the one who is bi-polar, you are. Anorexic bitch. Everyone knows about you. Everyone talks about you. I’m going to call the cops.”

As if Not Jesse and Not Kendra were l verbally fighting back, Super Twat relentlessly mocked and taunted the couple who hadn’t said a word. Not Kendra made her way up the stairs to the apartment with Not Jesse right behind her. Once again, the two caught themselves looking at each other with surprise and bewilderment. A moment passed and they laughed and toyed with the idea of having a squirt gun at the ready so that if Super Twat decided to hang around the bus stop again, they could perhaps score a few shots to the back of Super Twats head out of their second story window.

[pictured, right: the NOT window, which was used]

Low and behold, just after they had finished their conversation, the couple had heard the city bus pull up. As usual, Super Twat tried to negotiate with the bus driver and was once again denied. Upon her denial to ride public transit, Super Twat must have saw it fit to call the large african-american bus driver the N-word, along with other racially slanderous terms.

At this point, Not Jesse wasn’t really paying attention but still entertaining the thought of keeping a water gun at the ready. Not Kendra, on the other hand, was enjoying the entertainment just outside the second story window. But when Super Twat dropped the N-bomb, Not Kendra quickly demanded Not Jesse to pay attention and watch the drama unfold.

From their perch, Not Jesse and Not Kendra watched the bus driver pulled the large vehicle over, opened the bi-folding doors and calmly began to approach Super Twat. With his hands resting on his bulky hips, in a collected voice, the bus driver spoke,

“Mam, if you call me a nigger again, I will call the Transit Police and the authorities will arrest you.”

All the while, through out the bus drivers clear message, Super Twat was in a serious uproar.

“Someone call the cops! This man is trying to hurt me! Quick, call the cops!...”

Finally, Not Jesse couldn’t take it anymore.

“This woman is crazier than a shit house rat.” he said out loud and rushed to the kitchen. There he grabbed the largest pot he could find and began filling it up with cold water. Not Kendra still adhered to the window, keeping one eye on Super Twat and the other on the bus driver.

Soon, Not Jesse had the pot nearly filled and hurried to the window. The bus driver had given his warning and saw no reason to continue the meaningless conversation with the clearly insane woman. He turned his back and reentered the large bus and began to pull off. Just as the bus was rolling away, Super Twat reached for her rolling back pack and was instantly met with 4 liters of cold water falling from the sky.

[pictured, above: the NOT sidewalk moments after the water hit Super Twat. Super Twat not pictured]

“Ha! Direct hit bitch.” Not Jesse snickered and caught a glimpse of Super Twat frozen in surprise right before he slammed the window shut.

Not Kendra was in a state of half laughter and half shock. Not Jesse couldn’t contain himself and was sitting on the couch laughing uncontrollably when Not Kendra heard Super Twat abandon any miniscule shred of sanity she had left. Most of what was heard was completely unintelligible verbal diarrhea but Not Kendra froze when she saw Super Twat flag down a passing by... Not Berkeley Police car. She warned Not Jesse and for a moment, they stood in silence and listened for the conversation that Super Twat was about to have with the Not Berkeley Police Officer.

The officer pulled his car over to the side of the road and began to exit his vehicle. Not Jesse and Not Kendra couldn’t help but notice, that the police officer was another black male.

“They threw water on me!” Super Twat screamed.
“What?” the officer asked. “Who threw water on you?”
“Them! The people up in that apartment!” More banshee like squeals shot from her mouth as she pointed up towards the second story.
“Do you know them?”
“No! But they’re up there right now and threw water on me!!!”

Not Jesse’s heart was in a bit of a race but was relieved to see that the mentally stable have no problem spotting the mentally unstable. The officer turned around and made his way back when Super Twat rifled off, “Stupid black man!”

The officer sat down in his patrol car and began driving away as if to completely ignore Super Twat’s cries for justice to be served. As soon as the Not Berkeley Police Officer was gone, Not Jesse and Not Kendra erupted into laughter and enjoyed the rest of the evening up in their second story loft apartment wondering if anyone else on the busy street below had witnessed what happened. The only regret that Not Jesse had was not having the incident recorded to share with all of his friends and family. To show them the amazing things that he gets to be a part of while living in the... Not The Bay Area.


lish said...

omg!!!!!!! seriously LOLing right now! hats off to you for showing that snatch what's up!

Kendra said...

you can't leave me to deal with her by myself!

Beau Tobler said...

WOWIE that's So fucking Awesome. You are my hero Jesse Tobler.

Kendra,dealing with her shouldn't be that hard. Just learn to throw a good punch. Then when she starts something more crazy than a rant (ie. Physical Abuse) show her who's boss a give her all you got. that will shut her up.

Dustin Boyersmith said...

Haha dude thats hilarious! Why didn't you record it on your Flip! Good story and glad you showed that crazy lady whats up.